Here's to you, Mrs. L.

First week of student teaching is in the books, second week started with dog poop all over the floor, blocking my way out the door this morning. ARGH! dog! So I missed the first class and sat in the hallway listening to the teacher until the door was closed, then I sat listening to random students in the hallway. Two students actually discussed if they were in charge of "the empire" how would they change it - the girl said, "It clearly needs a race of cat people." YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP! Then, because my pal's morning started with his foot in a puddle of dog pee - i prayed for both of us, for better days, and for light hearts. And, because of the power of the internet and the magic of google - I searched for "clean funny memes" and then barraged him with what I found to be hilarious. It worked and by 9 am, the "waste" had lost the battle. WOOT

On Sunday, I found out that my very favorite teacher of all time had passed away in her sleep on Saturday night. She was the reason I wanted to teach. She believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. She told me once, "if I were ever going to vote for a woman for President, it'd be you." It's been more than 20 years since she said that, and it still has an impact on my daily life. I'm so grateful that my loving Savior saw to it that my teaching career could begin while she was still alive. I was only one week into my dream job when she made her exit from this world. I couldn't be more grateful for her influence in my life. She expected more out of me than I expected out of myself. She made me believe that I really could do anything I put my mind to. 

As a freshman in high school, I noticed that she had pictures of seniors who graduated and had moved on to bigger and better things. That year I knew I'd do whatever it took to make it under the glass top on her desk, MY senior pic had to be there someday. In the middle of my junior year, my family moved away and I was heartsick that my "senior pic under the glass top" dream was crushed. When my announcements arrived and my pictures were ready, I sent one to Mrs. Lawson, in the hopes that there'd still be room for me. I went to the FHS graduation and there was my favorite teacher, waiting to give me a hug. She took me down to her classroom and showed me that MY picture was under the glass. I made it. I wasn't even in her school anymore, but she kept me in that place of high honor. She wasn't just a teacher and annual staff advisor - she was a confidante, a mentor, a counselor,a guide, a friend. She meant the world to so many students and is the reason so many of us wanted to become teachers. I'm so grateful for influence in my life and the investment she made in me. She told our class ('94) that we were the game changes, the people who would revolutionize the world - and I'm going to do my best to prove her right. I love you lady. 

It's on my heart again that God cares about what we care about. No request is too big or small for His attention. He loves us and wants to be involved in every aspect of our lives. The God of the universe loves you, has a plan for you, and wants the best for you. He is your father, savior, friend, and counselor. He's the Prince of peace - let Him in every area of your life so He can give you peace, comfort, rest. The freedom that comes from complete surrender will change your entire life - and it's such a blessing. 

The pneumonia is almost gone but my brain is still wonky, please forgive me for a wonky-brained post. God blessand kee p you!!

-M

Love this

Teaching and Seeking

I love new beginnings. I love the hope of starting something new and the possibility of something life-altering and wonderful happening. I'm ready for a lovely surprise. 

This week, I start student teaching at the local community college. I'll be teaching with an amazing lady who has the most ridiculously high marks from former students on all of the teacher rating sites. She's an absolute treasure and I can't wait to work with her and the students. Together, we'll guide them through speech, communication behavior, and multicultural communication. I'm hoping that this experience leads to an amazing new career opportunity. I need something fresh and inspirational. I need a reason to be excited in the morning - to get ready and get moving every day. Yes, my life is worth living, but I'm seriously hoping that this experience gives me a boost I've been longing for.

In May, I will have been in the desert for 6  years. I've been encouraged to remind The Lord of His promises, to present my case before Him rather than plead my case. So I remind Him, "Lord, your word says that you will create streams in the desert, that you are doing a new thing - your word promises a hope and a future, it says that you promise to prosper me and not to harm me. Your word says that you put desires in my heart and that you alone will fulfill them." I pray, "Lord, your words says that it is not good for man to be alone...Your word says to be fruitful and multiply, how can I do that Lord if I don't have a husband?" Then, i have to wait for His perfect will and His perfect time. The clencher ;) 

So I have high hopes for 2014. I'd love to meet some amazing guy who wants a wonderful life with someone who is funny, smart, and completely dedicated to Christ. It would be glorious...the waiting however, not so much. At 37, almost 38, I'm ready to meet this mystery guy. Someone to share life with. Someone who will let me sit in the passenger seat. Someone who will take out the trash every now and again. Someone to send a quick text that says, "honey, would you pick up some milk and eggs on the way home?" Someone to bury my head in their manly chest when the day has been unbearably hard. Nearly 20 years of leading, making my own way, handling all that life throws out - and I'm ready for someone to partner up with. I've made room in my townhouse for someone. I've got an additional parking spot - he can show up any time now :) 

Anywho, if you're reading this - I pray  heaps of blessings on you in this year. I pray that you are surrounded by amazing people who will bless you with their loyal friendship and help carry your load. If you're single, can I encourage you to ask for help and accept it when you need it? Let someone know when you need a hug (I'm working on that myself)  - single doesn't have to mean alone :) 

All the best-

M

2014!

I love New Year's Day. I love new starts and promises of new beginnings. I'm going to try to blog more this year, to be more encouraging, to keep my resolutions. :) happy new year, friends!

The Crud

I started feeling bad the week of January 14th. Now, I often hear myself audibly say, "I don't feel good" and I automatically change the monologue to "I'm fine. I feel fine." I listen to Joyce Meyer a lot - and I know that I say a lot of things out of habit that I don't mean and I don't want to speak negative over my life when really, I'm just repeating some junk I've said for far too long.

So, the week of January 14th, I was exhausted - and I hadn't done anything. My body was hard to move and my spirits were low - but I was determined to move past it. I shot a quinceanera on the 19th - totally exhausted. Nothing I did was ridding me of lethargy and body aches. I shot for 8 hours and went home feeling like maybe a bug was coming on.

Sunday brought an incredible cold and by 8pm I sounded like Kathleen Turner. (Yes, I sang Stinky Shoes.) Monday hit me in the face - I had to ask for help to get to Urgent care - and there, I was misdiagnosed with bronchitis and pharyngitis. By the afternoon, my mom had insisted on picking me up and driving me back to Spokane. That night I felt a teeny bit better but was mostly grateful that someone could watch my dog and let him out without me having to go up and down stairs trying to ensure his bladder was empty.

Tuesday and Wednesday were awful. No energy, endless nebulizer treatments, and body aches from hell. On Thursday, after my mom got sick too, I knew it was time to go to urgent care again.. After 3 days of antibiotics, I wasn't getting any better and felt like my lungs were worse.

At urgent care, they told me I was going to the hospital in an ambulance. I had status asthmaticus - which means "uncontrollable asthma attack." I wanted to go in my mom's car the 8 blocks to the hospital, but the doc told me I may not make it without the ambulance. Ugh. The ambulance ride was uneventful, but I was glad the EMT said I was the best patient that day - simply for not bleeding on her. (Small victories.)

In the ER, we found out I had full blown bacterial pneumonia which was most likely brought about by the flu, with most of my left lung not working. The asthma wasn't helping, so I was admitted - until Sunday evening.

The thing about the hospital...the food is awful, the coffee is criminal, and the days are long. However - some of my very favorite people came to see me - and for that, I'm grateful. I received gifts of flowers from work, coffee from friends, a stuffed dog, balloons, and late Christmas pressies - but really, the most amazing gift was the time people took to come and see me. I hadn't seen a few of my pals in months - and spending time with them was a complete blessing.

I took a chance and tried for something new when I got out - I have yet to hear anything on my chances but was grateful for a few days to relax in the hospital and think about what I really want for my life. I spent some quality time with God - realizing what it really meant to hand Him the reins. I've laid everything at the altar before - hopes, dreams, fears - all of it. It's all His and it remains His - but I'm grateful for the time to sit and really dwell on what it means for Him to have control.

I'm not excited about the bills that are coming from the pneumonia stint - but I am grateful for a loving God who provides for me and will ensure I'm ok. His eye is on the sparrow...

I'm out of sick time, personal time, and vacation. My time will be spent finishing my school work and working full time - with bouts of wacky moments and mini breaks to Spokane, Seattle,and Portland when I can afford them. I'm okay with that.

In the next month, I have to renew my lease or find a new home. Not wanting to be in Richland much longer, I found myself freaking out about signing a new lease...but then I remembered where I had put my hope - and so I'm leaving this in God's hands until He shows me what I'm supposed to do - and I have total faith that He will.

This was a long rambler of a post, but I wanted to encourage anyone who might be reading - that though things might look bad, you might feel bad, or lacking hope - and I'm here to tell you - that even when things look hopeless - His eye is on you. He knows what we need and He's faithful to provide wisdom and provision when we ask in faith. "All things work for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose." Rom 8:28
If you don't know Jesus, I want you to know that He loves you so much that He gave His life so you could live an enjoyable life - a life filled with promise and hope. My favorite teacher can give you more and better info on her website, www.joycemeyer.org

God bless you, have an amazing day, and sorry for the rambles!!!

Grateful for a do-over.

The "I already flubbed up my new year's resolutions" blues. Right off the bat, I should've planned better. I should've rid my home of food that would tempt me during my paleo commitment - but I didn't. I should've picked a workout routine that I could commit to doing six days a week - I didn't do that, either. I probably should've asked people to be my support system - to hold me accountable - but well, you guessed it - I didn't do that either. So on Wednesday, I'm starting over. Why Wednesday? Because I have food in my house that I want to get rid of - and I didn't work hard to pay for it to throw it out. I'm going to eat it and be done with it. I decided on Power 90 for my workout routine. I've done it before with great success, so I know what I'm getting into - it's a half hour workout six days a week - I can do this. Starting Wednesday gives me a day to make sure I have my starting weight and inches recorded. I can't be this uncomfortable for another year. I'm finishing grad school and looking at and hoping for new challenges this year. The driver's seat is mine. It's been 2 weeks of "this isn't what I wanted for 2013" - and now that time is over. My birthday is in less than a month. I need to take care of business.

Anywhoodles...I've been hanging with Will Shakespeare, creating a new(er) curriculum for a magical project and continuing research for my thesis. I look at the (thesis) task before me and think "HOW WILL THIS TURN OUT?" and then I think, "oh yeah, it's only 4 months. I can do this." Whew. Must.Keep.Brain.In.Check.

Other thoughts: I've been battling forgiving myself. The enemy likes to remind me of my ick...but thankfully, I know that I've been forgiven, so I have to audibly say, "Get behind me. I've been redeemed by the blood of the Lamb - and you have no hold here. May I remind you where you are heading?" And he usually shuts right up. In case you might be struggling with the same thing, I encourage you to confess (if you haven't already), speak these words out loud, then (as Joyce would say) claim forgiveness - because it's already yours.
1 John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."Psalms 103:12, "As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us."

Matthew 26:28, "For this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins."Romans 8:1, "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit."

I'm so grateful for a God of fresh starts. I love New Year's - it's my favorite time of the year. (I could do without the snow, but hey - you can't have it all.) I screwed up the beginning of the year, but I won't be messing up the rest of it. I have to keep reminding myself, "I CAN do all things through Him who gives me strength" - and I can :) He's proven Himself time and time again. You got this. I got this.

Happy New Year :) 

New Directions - not just a glee club

So I made New Year's resolutions. I'm happy with what I've resolved to do and change in my little world. I decided to go Paleo, and it's a decision that I'm happy about. However, I should've done a better job getting rid of food in my house and surrounding myself with snack options that don't fall outside of Paleo parameters.

Last night, I was so freaking hungry - and a turkey burger with a bag of steamed broccoli wasn't cutting it. I decided that should a caveman be in my house, he'd go ahead and eat the corn chips and pineapple salsa- because cavemen didn't throw stuff away willy nilly (at least not in my estimation.) He'd probably be freaked out about a lot, but he'd eat.

So, I ate and I didnt beat myself up about it. I also took a nap, because my body wanted it and because it felt like freakimg magic.

This is the year of accepting myself - I'm going to do my darnedest to be as fit and healthy as possible - and I'm not expecting results over night. I'm wearing clothes that I like - regardless of what anyone else thinks or says. Dress over jeans? Yep, I like it like that. Scarf, sweater, and dress over jeans? Yes, Yes that's me. I will sew something for myself to wear this year - and I will love it. I will wear the clothes I want, whether I'm in a size I want to shout out loud or not.

I'm hoping for a new direction this year. New city, new home, new job, and please God, new boyfriend. I am excited about change - excited about the possibilities of little sparks of delicious, creative, and bright spots in my little world.

I've been reading a lot of Joyce Meyer lately (what else is new) and it's really impressed upon my heart to be in better fellowship with Jesus. Not to ask or expect anything, but to just spend time praising Him - and that's what I want to do this weekend. Spend time praising my Savior, the one without whom I would have no hope or life. I would encourage you to do the same. Just love on Jesus a bit and see what happens. My hope is that I fall more in love with Him and what He has for my life. He knows the desires of my heart, I don't have to keep shouting them at Him :)

Take good care of you, enjoy your weekend, and God Bless!!

For Auld Lang Syne

So I have resolved to blog more...and I guess it all starts here.

My goals for the year:
* Full paleo eating habits for the entire month of January. I'll try to keep you as updated as possible.
* Blog more. The goal here is to offer encouragement or entertainment - whichever works at the time is good for me.
* Apply for my PhD - this will only be usurped by the possibility of getting my dream job. (More on that as the time approaches...)
* Graduate from Gonzaga w/my MA in May.
* I'm going to go on a few dates - even if I have to do the darn asking. Ugh.
* I am going to make it to England this year. It will happen.
* I'd like to do crossfit at least once a month this year. I've never done it before but definitely want to!
* I need to get in shape, lose weight, and so does Crab. We're doing this. And, I'm going to wear the clothes I want to wear. It's happening.

There are more but I don't have the list...so that's all I have. I'm excited to see what God has in store for the year. I have high hopes and am a little giddy about watching the plan unfold (Jer 29:11)

Happy New Year!!

Rest

I finished all of my grad classes. I'm crazy tired and feel as if it's impossible to stand still - like I'm wasting time or missing a deadline. My thesis is left, and yep, I'm still researching and reading like a nutcase. But, I'm also crafting!

I've made redneck wine glasses, a wine cork board/ frame, cork coasters, cupcake jars, painted wineglass stems, and created a piece of felt pie. I also made a few magnets and necklaces - and will continue working on those and frappuccino bottle crafts for the next few days. Oh, and there was the handmade paper covered canvases...I'm pretty happy with myself.

Now to chill out over the holidays (I'd rather stay in bed and avoid the chaos) and look forward to a new year and all it brings - graduation! Paleo takeover! New job or something!!!

Grateful for what Christmas means, grateful for a safe and healthy family, and amazing friends. And of course, I'm THRILLED beyond words to be finished with classes!!!

Merry Christmas!!

Give yourself a break!

Grad school. 2 years of demanding deadlines, teachers with clashing guidelines, countless hours of homework, oodles of severe migraines, and weeks of sleepless nights.

I have too much going on. I am in my last semester of classes for grad school, then I start my thesis in January. I've been taking 6 credits every 8 weeks since January. My brain is exhausted. My body is worn out. My asthma is cranky and my antidepressants have run out. I need to cut myself a break.

I have a 3.9 GPA. I work 40 hours a week. I'm single. My apartment is a disaster. I'm so tired.

Tonight, I had a panic attack because I thought I was late for a discussion board post. Seriously, I thought I was going to puke. I got an A on my first paper of the term today and it was all I could do to not burst into tears. I thought I failed that paper.

I need to give myself a break. Today - give yourself a break. Put down the caffeine. Turn off the computer, and rest.

And, avoid gluten. Good lord it's trying to kill me. More on that later.

Be still. Ex 14:14

God bless you-
M

Oy! I suck at keeping up on this!!

Ok - it's been about 5 months since I posted...lame! I'm finishing my 6th & 7th grad classes tomorrow. Yippee!! I moved AGAIN, this time into a very small apartment. My dog is mad at me, there's not much room, and I could easily get a spot on the show Hoarders. Yikes.

One year from tomorrow, I graduate with my Master's in Communication and Leadership from Gonzaga. Praise the sweet Lord!!! In June, I head to Italy for 3 weeks for GU's Intercultural Communication Immersion course in Cagli. I'm super stoked. I was awarded one of the Intercultural Fellow scholarships, which is super flattering and inspiring.

I didn't get to run the Mercer Island Half in March. Doc said the knee is in no shape for 13.1 miles. Admittedly, finishing 4 grad classes in 16 weeks (w/ only 1 week break) has taken a toll on me. I fell off the Paleo wagon, but am happily back on it now. I feel so much better, need to lose weight, and want to RUN! Paleo/Primal will help with that. If I can get my rear in gear, I hope to be posting more travel writing here along with Paleo recipes that I like. (I'm not making any promises!)

At this juncture, there are NO distractions - which is just fine. I wouldn't have time for one! First things first, I'm heading to the JMM Conference in Tacoma next weekend (WOOHOO!) and then I'll tackle the living room. I have a storage unit, so I just need to USE it!!

I'm talking too much. If you're reading this - I hope you have an amazing weekend. Do something nice for yourself. No matter what's going on in your world, take care of you.

God Bless!!
M

Time for a New Year

Hi! 3rd grad class is in the books, I even got a 4.0 this term! Whew! Christmas is over and we're on to the New Year already - which is my total favorite :) I love new beginnings, new chances to start fresh. This year, I'm hoping to finish my coursework for my Master's degree so that January of 2013 will point me in the direction of my grad thesis...and of applying for my PhD!

For 2012, I'm going primal. I've read that a paleo diet has greatly aided people in feeling better, healing quicker, and sleeping more soundly - sign me up for that! People have lost asthmatic and allergy symptoms and are feeling so much less heavy and bloated. I'm a little skiddish about dropping grains, sugar, and bread, but I think I can do this! There seems to be a lot of people in the same boat, so it should be a great experience.

I've signed up for the Mercer Island half, which takes place in March. Looks like I'll be walking this one, doc says the leg isn't in the right shape to be running right now. At least I can aim for a finish line :)

I'm performing standup comedy on New Year's Eve, should be a fun time. Funny that this year brought me grad school and standup comedy, I wouldn't have ever believed it if it didn't happen! I went on ONE coffee date this year and it was a dud. Next year, I'm going to have to spend more time OUT of this city so I can meet single guys. Eeyikes it's a wasteland around here...

Anywho, I hope that if you're reading this, you're motivating yourself to make positive changes in the new year. Make yourself proud. Believe that anything is possible. Never, never give up. You are fantastic! Here's to a healthy, prosperous year filled with fun memories and moments of sheer, laugh-out-loud joy!

God Bless you!
Mary

Back in the saddle, again

Okay, I'm a little more than excited. I just signed up for the Mercer Island Half Marathon on March 25, 2012. Let's do this!!! I'm ready to run. I just have this little issue of my leg not working to deal with first, but I'm ELATED about this!!! WOOHOO!

In other news, my second grad school class is almost over. (Thank the sweet Lord!) One paper left and I'm done! Next Monday, another class starts, and I'm ready! I moved into a cute rental house at the beginning of the month and I absolutely love it. :) Crab is a happy dog - complete with doggy door and fenced yard. It's completely awesome in every way!

There's another nice little distraction in my world, which means absolutely nothing other than I have something fun to think about when I'm not working, studying, writing, or taking pictures! I'm so grateful for great, local friends who make my weekdays better, for a wonderful church that is an absolute blessing in my life, and for Spokane - for taking good care of many, many good friends and the majority of my immediate family.

I've taken amazing strides in the last 5 weeks to take better care of myself and I feel so much better. If you can read this, please take good care of you - no matter who you are. You are enough. You matter. You are loved by a merciful, gracious God.

I'm off to enjoy some comfort food - broccoli soup! And then, after work, I'll throw on a tie-dyed hoodie and my favorite running shoes...and see what I can do. Here we go - I took enough time off, I can't WAIT to get back into this!! God is good. Life is good. Wine is good :) God bless your socks off!

Here we go again!

Oh geez, I suck at keeping this updated! Let's see...2nd term of grad school just started. Yay for Computer Mediated Communication! Hey, it's a requirement!  I interviewed for an international instructor position last Friday and I should know tomorrow if I got it. Yikes!! I moved out of my house last week. It took every single ounce of energy I had, but now I'm out. I'm currently staying in my friends' remodeled garage while I wait to find a home. I was going to buy, but I had an epiphany today and I think that idea is completely out of the window. Probably moving into a rental house for a while starting October 1st. We'll just see, I guess! So, work is full time, school is full time, leading worship at Life Church (that I love more than words) is 2 Sundays a week, and my brain is full! But, the good news is, there's a distraction. It's nothing but a simple bit of glorious fun right now, but that is enough. I started the weekend with a wonderful day of wine tasting with Em (so.much.fun) - we tasted some absolutely delicious wine and went to a few great local wineries. The rest of the weekend was spent in Spokane and I got to spend time with an absolutely fantastic human being. Lucky me.

Looking forward to an Advocare 24 day challenge w/ my cousin. Hoping I feel a little refreshed and energized at the end! So, here we go again. Happy to have something to distract me while I dive head first into the rest of this term and wade in the waters of uncertainty about a new position and a place to live.

Cheers!!
M

Holy Moly!!

I haven't posted in a year, so here are the updates in a nutshell:

*In February, I left my job as a Travel Coordinator with a construction company and moved to a national lab, where I am in the EXACT same position.

*4 weeks ago I began my Master's Degree in Communication and Leadership at Gonzaga University. The best part? Tuition is completely reimbursed by my new employer. So fantastic!

*I found an amazing new church. I'm so, so happy to be a part of the church body at Life Church in Richland, WA. I've never felt such an instant welcome, I am surrounded by loving, wonderful people. I've joined their worship team, and am often very blessed to join a group of people for lunch after church on Sunday. It has completely blessed my heart.

*I haven't ran all year. My allergies and asthma are doing their darnedest to kill me...but alas and alack, I will win!! Reading through my old posts, I am encouraged to eat better and exercise more. Let's just say the new job and the master's degree aren't really helping me stay super fit ;)

*I mustered up every ounce of courage I had and took care of something that needed to be said for a while. I'm super glad it's over and I'm quite proud of myself :)

*Last week, someone fraudulently used my debit card and stole every penny in my account. After filing a police report and a fraud packet, I have provisionary credit back. Had an icky situation in grad school last week, but I think it's getting better. Wrote my final article for my favorite newsweekly...it's too much stress & time investment and it's not worth it anymore. Sad. Last night, my car completely stopped working. I found out today that it's going to be $3300. Ouch. That wipes out my savings, which was to fund my trip to England later this year. Broke. my. heart. I will admit that being single during the last few weeks has been SO difficult. I'd love some help. I'd love a great big hug and someone to say, "it's all good babe, we got this." Maybe someday, right? In the mean time, I'm super grateful for parents, who have offered to help me with this ridiculously awful situation. I'm so glad that God loves me and has great plans for me - and I'm flattered that He thinks I'm strong enough to handle this. I'm glad He's strong enough to handle it, b/c in truth, I'm completely drained. I have amazing friends who are funny and smart and wise and I love more than I can say. You guys bless my heart.

*My dog is still the best dog in the world. You can write that down.

*Oh, I almost forgot! I did stand-up comedy for the first time this week. It was awesome! They laughed! I think I'll do it again! Super fun :)

I'm reminded of a few scriptures that I will want to remind myself of again when things get hard:
"I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil 4:13
"ALL things work for the good of those who love Him and are called according to HIS purpose." Rom 8:28
"“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Cor 12:9

I'm hoping I'll just be a happy, smiling camper the next time I post :) Sorry if I was Debbie Downer. God bless your socks off!
M

There's always hope...

A new year, a renewed hope; opportunities seem endless, change seems imminent, and life seems conquerable. It's three weeks into the new year and I still feel like all of that is possible. I'm making changes I'm proud of, making decisions that could possibly change my life for the better, and creating ideas that will hopefully see me this productive the whole year through.

I'm taking part in a weight loss challenge group on facebook, and it's doing wonders for keeping me accountable. Instead of setting the bar too high and making it difficult to see myself succeed, this year I'm taking weight loss slow. I'd rather have it stay off FOREVER than to see it again in a year or so. In another group, we're taking part in a me/you health challenge. It's fantastic to have a group of people who are committed to bettering their physical and mental health together. I'm a vitamin-taking, fish oil-swallowing machine!

I've got a specific opportunity that I'm waiting to hear (any minute) on. It could change my life for the better in many ways. I'm hoping for less stress, more sleep, and a better peace of mind. As soon as I know something, I'll post an update.

This year, I hope to read more, travel more, save more, spend more time with God, take better care of relationships that matter, and pursue what matters most. *In happy news, my family is once again getting along well. WHEW! I needed that.

In a matter of weeks, I'm getting another year older. I'm not where I want to be in life, but thank God I'm not where I used to be! Holding fast to this verse, "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it." Phil 1:6

God bless you! Have an amazing year!
M

Change in Plans

The high road is chock full of pot holes.

Much to my dismay, my attempt at making peace failed. Looks like it's going to be Christmas in Vancouver. The magical upside is that I'm spending Christmas with my big brother, his wife, her mother, and my funny niece. It's going to be a very laid-back casual Christmas, and for that, I'm exceptionally grateful. The crab-man and I enjoy a good road trip, so I'm hoping the snow stays away so we can actually enjoy the ride :) Portland for Christmas...yep, that sounds alright to me!

Sounds like New Year's will be in Spokane - which is magic. Lucky for me, my pal (whose birthday is NYE) and I are going to have a classy, relaxed evening all to ourselves. New Year's Day, I'll get to see some of my favorite Spokane peeps - and perhaps I'll even get to exchange gifts with my parents and other brother & his wife. We'll see...I can't get my hopes up too much; the suckerpunch I got yesterday knocked the wind out of me and I'm still a little tender about the emotional ribcage.

In good news, my workpal and I are planning on boosting up our creative sales.  So, it's to the blog & etsy I go for fresh inspiration and marketing tips. I'm actually really excited about doing more with my photos...I need something creative and fun to focus on for a while, so I'm super happy to have a pal to go through this with.

Things aren't fantastically magical right now...but it dawned on me today - crap hits you in three's...and so now, I've GOT to be done! Whew :) In the "Mary vs Singleness" world, I got back on the saddle...if anything worth talking about comes of it - I'll write about it!

God Bless you!
M

Auld Lang Syne

I think the end of each year can come to one of two conclusions: 1) you are revived and ready to conquer the next year, 2) you are completely exhausted and ready to sleep the next year off.

I've wound up at the second option. (I'd say that I ended up with number two, but the entendre was too much for me.)

I had an awful run-in with my mom last Friday. I had a realization about her that shook me to my very core, and I'm still not quite over it. Saturday evening, I realized that someone who I knew and understood to be a certain way was absolutely not. I sincerely cared about this person, was extremely happy to spend time with this person, and it's over. I'm not sure if that one evening was the off night, or it was true colors being exposed for the first time. Either way, it was hurtful and agonizing. I've kind of felt it coming to an end for a while now, but I didn't want it. I still don't want it to be over - but if it's for the best, if it's what God has for me - then I'm ultimately ok with it.  I've had another situation biting me in the face for the last few weeks and it came to a head today. I'll say this - all of the running I've done this year, all of the preparation, the stretching, the exercising - it's not really prepared me for ALWAYS having to take the high road. I'm completely exhausted. I was so upset Sunday morning that I actually RAN to church. Yep. You read that right.

I guess blogs are a kind of online diary. So I'd rather be real and just let it out - but I want to be clear - I'm not asking for help. I'm not seeking pity or looking for someone to reach in and save me. I'm exhausted. As a Christian, my faith and my hope are in Christ. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being let down. I'll admit to taking some fairly stupid steps in the last few months, but at the heart of me, I want what God has for me. I want His will and His perfect time. I don't understand His time; lately, I don't really like it. If you would've told me 20 years ago that I'd still be single and childless, and only 2 months from being 35...I would not have believed you. I wouldn't have believed that God would have that in store for me. I'm trying to hard to be grateful. So many people are without jobs, without food or a roof over their head - and here I am, being achey and exhausted. A coworker found out last night that her husband has cancer and my heart aches for her...I am NOT dealing with anything that awful, but yet this exhausted achiness from a heart that waits and waits and doesn't quite understand why - keeps agonizing over endless thoughts of what is wrong with me, what on earth must be so bad that no one wants to be with me. I know, it sounds pathetic. But it's real. I just feel uber silly for feeling this way when people have REAL problems.

I'm not sure what's ahead. I may very well end up working to complete my master's this year...and then again, maybe not. I want out of here - this city, the state, perhaps the country. Every now and again in my life I'd have the urge to run...and I've been training.

I have great hope for next year - I conquered more this year than I would've ever thought possible. It's been kind of amazing watching myself go through the last twelve months. It's been surreal and surprising. I've been scared out of my mind, more tired than I could possibly imagine, more proud of myself than ever before, and I've never been more ready for something BIG to happen.

I hope if you read this - you have an amazing new year. I realize I don't sound like the best example of a hopeful Christian right now, and I am sorry for that. Things will get better, my hope will get stronger, and God WILL make a way - where there seems to be no way.  I know, because He's proven it time and time before.

Finish Line

After a year of training, I did it. I finished the Seattle Half Marathon. I finished on a wing and a prayer. Battled a chest cold, asthma, and an excruciatingly painful leg...and finished. I finished alone. While others were surrounded by family, friends, and loved ones at the finish line, I stood alone. I don't want sympathy or pity, it just is what it is. And the harsh truth is, I didn't much care for it. This amazing pride of finishing what I'd set out to accomplish, this feeling of relief that I completed a half marathon even though every physical part of my being wanted to quit, were kind of shadowed by this tremendous "ugh".

I think a lot of people get a little blah-ish at the holidays. What should be a time of joyous celebration is weighed down by the guilt to have to shop until you wind up in debt. The billowy mounds of snow should be inviting like they were when we were kids, but rather, they are evil white demons creating havoc on the roads and causing horrible car accidents and great physical damage.

I'm so grateful to have kicked my New Year's Resolution in the tookas. I'm grateful that my lungs are stronger than they ever have been, and I'm so extremely glad to have a medal that shows just how hard I've worked.

I'm ready for a move. I'm ready for a big change. I remember a poem I wrote in my early twenties about how badly I wanted something to change in my life, how I felt like I was drowning in stagnant water...and that feeling is rearing it's ugly head again. I can rest in the knowledge that God has me in the palm of His hand, I just wouldn't be human if I didn't admit that all of this waiting has left me exhausted and achey.

2010 was a good year for the health of the girl that I am. I'm stronger than I knew I could be, I fought my way through races I never thought I'd take part in. I've stood up for myself, been proud of myself, and fought for myself. And yet, the girl who started this year wanting a very specific thing is still there, waiting. I have great hope that 2011 will bring great joy and many more opportunities for greater health and a well-deserved pride.

Distractions...

The last part of August brought a pretty happy change for me - and September was amazing (ya know, UH-MAZE-ING). Nothing serious, just an intimidatingly smart, funny, handsome distraction. No idea what is going to come of it - but I've had more fun in the last 30+ days than I have in a decade, and THAT is saying something. (I'm a fun girl, what can I say?)

I'm spending more time on me, too. I've ran more miles this week than I ever have before. Each day I've been aiming for 5 miles - which isn't much to REAL runners, but for me, it's so much more than I would've ever thought possible on a daily basis. Today, I splurged and got a Road ID bracelet and yesterday, I got a new race-day shirt. Tonight - I'm heading to the runner's store to get some new kicks. Along with my new brace, I'm hoping the shoes make my feet and knee feel new again.

This Sunday, I participate in a 10k in Spokane...yep, running a 10 on 10/10/10! On the 23rd, I've got another 5k, followed by a 10 mile race in November - and the grand finale - the reason I started running - the Seattle Half Marathon is on Sunday, November 28th. There's the notion that my finish line could have company - and that would be fantastic.

I'm so happy and relieved to be feeling renewed and refreshed - I am laughing so much and smiling so much lately - I just want to soak it in.  It could last another week or longer, I'm just going to enjoy what I can while I have it. I was raised to not be selfish - to put others first, but I'm gonna go ahead and say it - this time is for me. I deserve to be carefree and laidback, and I'm SO grateful that it's happening now. I'm a really happy girl. And in case the distraction ever happens upon this - many, many thanks for reminding me what this feels like.