The high road is chock full of pot holes.
Much to my dismay, my attempt at making peace failed. Looks like it's going to be Christmas in Vancouver. The magical upside is that I'm spending Christmas with my big brother, his wife, her mother, and my funny niece. It's going to be a very laid-back casual Christmas, and for that, I'm exceptionally grateful. The crab-man and I enjoy a good road trip, so I'm hoping the snow stays away so we can actually enjoy the ride :) Portland for Christmas...yep, that sounds alright to me!
Sounds like New Year's will be in Spokane - which is magic. Lucky for me, my pal (whose birthday is NYE) and I are going to have a classy, relaxed evening all to ourselves. New Year's Day, I'll get to see some of my favorite Spokane peeps - and perhaps I'll even get to exchange gifts with my parents and other brother & his wife. We'll see...I can't get my hopes up too much; the suckerpunch I got yesterday knocked the wind out of me and I'm still a little tender about the emotional ribcage.
In good news, my workpal and I are planning on boosting up our creative sales. So, it's to the blog & etsy I go for fresh inspiration and marketing tips. I'm actually really excited about doing more with my photos...I need something creative and fun to focus on for a while, so I'm super happy to have a pal to go through this with.
Things aren't fantastically magical right now...but it dawned on me today - crap hits you in three's...and so now, I've GOT to be done! Whew :) In the "Mary vs Singleness" world, I got back on the saddle...if anything worth talking about comes of it - I'll write about it!
God Bless you!
M
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Auld Lang Syne
I think the end of each year can come to one of two conclusions: 1) you are revived and ready to conquer the next year, 2) you are completely exhausted and ready to sleep the next year off.
I've wound up at the second option. (I'd say that I ended up with number two, but the entendre was too much for me.)
I had an awful run-in with my mom last Friday. I had a realization about her that shook me to my very core, and I'm still not quite over it. Saturday evening, I realized that someone who I knew and understood to be a certain way was absolutely not. I sincerely cared about this person, was extremely happy to spend time with this person, and it's over. I'm not sure if that one evening was the off night, or it was true colors being exposed for the first time. Either way, it was hurtful and agonizing. I've kind of felt it coming to an end for a while now, but I didn't want it. I still don't want it to be over - but if it's for the best, if it's what God has for me - then I'm ultimately ok with it. I've had another situation biting me in the face for the last few weeks and it came to a head today. I'll say this - all of the running I've done this year, all of the preparation, the stretching, the exercising - it's not really prepared me for ALWAYS having to take the high road. I'm completely exhausted. I was so upset Sunday morning that I actually RAN to church. Yep. You read that right.
I guess blogs are a kind of online diary. So I'd rather be real and just let it out - but I want to be clear - I'm not asking for help. I'm not seeking pity or looking for someone to reach in and save me. I'm exhausted. As a Christian, my faith and my hope are in Christ. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being let down. I'll admit to taking some fairly stupid steps in the last few months, but at the heart of me, I want what God has for me. I want His will and His perfect time. I don't understand His time; lately, I don't really like it. If you would've told me 20 years ago that I'd still be single and childless, and only 2 months from being 35...I would not have believed you. I wouldn't have believed that God would have that in store for me. I'm trying to hard to be grateful. So many people are without jobs, without food or a roof over their head - and here I am, being achey and exhausted. A coworker found out last night that her husband has cancer and my heart aches for her...I am NOT dealing with anything that awful, but yet this exhausted achiness from a heart that waits and waits and doesn't quite understand why - keeps agonizing over endless thoughts of what is wrong with me, what on earth must be so bad that no one wants to be with me. I know, it sounds pathetic. But it's real. I just feel uber silly for feeling this way when people have REAL problems.
I'm not sure what's ahead. I may very well end up working to complete my master's this year...and then again, maybe not. I want out of here - this city, the state, perhaps the country. Every now and again in my life I'd have the urge to run...and I've been training.
I have great hope for next year - I conquered more this year than I would've ever thought possible. It's been kind of amazing watching myself go through the last twelve months. It's been surreal and surprising. I've been scared out of my mind, more tired than I could possibly imagine, more proud of myself than ever before, and I've never been more ready for something BIG to happen.
I hope if you read this - you have an amazing new year. I realize I don't sound like the best example of a hopeful Christian right now, and I am sorry for that. Things will get better, my hope will get stronger, and God WILL make a way - where there seems to be no way. I know, because He's proven it time and time before.
I've wound up at the second option. (I'd say that I ended up with number two, but the entendre was too much for me.)
I had an awful run-in with my mom last Friday. I had a realization about her that shook me to my very core, and I'm still not quite over it. Saturday evening, I realized that someone who I knew and understood to be a certain way was absolutely not. I sincerely cared about this person, was extremely happy to spend time with this person, and it's over. I'm not sure if that one evening was the off night, or it was true colors being exposed for the first time. Either way, it was hurtful and agonizing. I've kind of felt it coming to an end for a while now, but I didn't want it. I still don't want it to be over - but if it's for the best, if it's what God has for me - then I'm ultimately ok with it. I've had another situation biting me in the face for the last few weeks and it came to a head today. I'll say this - all of the running I've done this year, all of the preparation, the stretching, the exercising - it's not really prepared me for ALWAYS having to take the high road. I'm completely exhausted. I was so upset Sunday morning that I actually RAN to church. Yep. You read that right.
I guess blogs are a kind of online diary. So I'd rather be real and just let it out - but I want to be clear - I'm not asking for help. I'm not seeking pity or looking for someone to reach in and save me. I'm exhausted. As a Christian, my faith and my hope are in Christ. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being let down. I'll admit to taking some fairly stupid steps in the last few months, but at the heart of me, I want what God has for me. I want His will and His perfect time. I don't understand His time; lately, I don't really like it. If you would've told me 20 years ago that I'd still be single and childless, and only 2 months from being 35...I would not have believed you. I wouldn't have believed that God would have that in store for me. I'm trying to hard to be grateful. So many people are without jobs, without food or a roof over their head - and here I am, being achey and exhausted. A coworker found out last night that her husband has cancer and my heart aches for her...I am NOT dealing with anything that awful, but yet this exhausted achiness from a heart that waits and waits and doesn't quite understand why - keeps agonizing over endless thoughts of what is wrong with me, what on earth must be so bad that no one wants to be with me. I know, it sounds pathetic. But it's real. I just feel uber silly for feeling this way when people have REAL problems.
I'm not sure what's ahead. I may very well end up working to complete my master's this year...and then again, maybe not. I want out of here - this city, the state, perhaps the country. Every now and again in my life I'd have the urge to run...and I've been training.
I have great hope for next year - I conquered more this year than I would've ever thought possible. It's been kind of amazing watching myself go through the last twelve months. It's been surreal and surprising. I've been scared out of my mind, more tired than I could possibly imagine, more proud of myself than ever before, and I've never been more ready for something BIG to happen.
I hope if you read this - you have an amazing new year. I realize I don't sound like the best example of a hopeful Christian right now, and I am sorry for that. Things will get better, my hope will get stronger, and God WILL make a way - where there seems to be no way. I know, because He's proven it time and time before.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Finish Line
After a year of training, I did it. I finished the Seattle Half Marathon. I finished on a wing and a prayer. Battled a chest cold, asthma, and an excruciatingly painful leg...and finished. I finished alone. While others were surrounded by family, friends, and loved ones at the finish line, I stood alone. I don't want sympathy or pity, it just is what it is. And the harsh truth is, I didn't much care for it. This amazing pride of finishing what I'd set out to accomplish, this feeling of relief that I completed a half marathon even though every physical part of my being wanted to quit, were kind of shadowed by this tremendous "ugh".
I think a lot of people get a little blah-ish at the holidays. What should be a time of joyous celebration is weighed down by the guilt to have to shop until you wind up in debt. The billowy mounds of snow should be inviting like they were when we were kids, but rather, they are evil white demons creating havoc on the roads and causing horrible car accidents and great physical damage.
I'm so grateful to have kicked my New Year's Resolution in the tookas. I'm grateful that my lungs are stronger than they ever have been, and I'm so extremely glad to have a medal that shows just how hard I've worked.
I'm ready for a move. I'm ready for a big change. I remember a poem I wrote in my early twenties about how badly I wanted something to change in my life, how I felt like I was drowning in stagnant water...and that feeling is rearing it's ugly head again. I can rest in the knowledge that God has me in the palm of His hand, I just wouldn't be human if I didn't admit that all of this waiting has left me exhausted and achey.
2010 was a good year for the health of the girl that I am. I'm stronger than I knew I could be, I fought my way through races I never thought I'd take part in. I've stood up for myself, been proud of myself, and fought for myself. And yet, the girl who started this year wanting a very specific thing is still there, waiting. I have great hope that 2011 will bring great joy and many more opportunities for greater health and a well-deserved pride.
I think a lot of people get a little blah-ish at the holidays. What should be a time of joyous celebration is weighed down by the guilt to have to shop until you wind up in debt. The billowy mounds of snow should be inviting like they were when we were kids, but rather, they are evil white demons creating havoc on the roads and causing horrible car accidents and great physical damage.
I'm so grateful to have kicked my New Year's Resolution in the tookas. I'm grateful that my lungs are stronger than they ever have been, and I'm so extremely glad to have a medal that shows just how hard I've worked.
I'm ready for a move. I'm ready for a big change. I remember a poem I wrote in my early twenties about how badly I wanted something to change in my life, how I felt like I was drowning in stagnant water...and that feeling is rearing it's ugly head again. I can rest in the knowledge that God has me in the palm of His hand, I just wouldn't be human if I didn't admit that all of this waiting has left me exhausted and achey.
2010 was a good year for the health of the girl that I am. I'm stronger than I knew I could be, I fought my way through races I never thought I'd take part in. I've stood up for myself, been proud of myself, and fought for myself. And yet, the girl who started this year wanting a very specific thing is still there, waiting. I have great hope that 2011 will bring great joy and many more opportunities for greater health and a well-deserved pride.
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