I think the end of each year can come to one of two conclusions: 1) you are revived and ready to conquer the next year, 2) you are completely exhausted and ready to sleep the next year off.
I've wound up at the second option. (I'd say that I ended up with number two, but the entendre was too much for me.)
I had an awful run-in with my mom last Friday. I had a realization about her that shook me to my very core, and I'm still not quite over it. Saturday evening, I realized that someone who I knew and understood to be a certain way was absolutely not. I sincerely cared about this person, was extremely happy to spend time with this person, and it's over. I'm not sure if that one evening was the off night, or it was true colors being exposed for the first time. Either way, it was hurtful and agonizing. I've kind of felt it coming to an end for a while now, but I didn't want it. I still don't want it to be over - but if it's for the best, if it's what God has for me - then I'm ultimately ok with it. I've had another situation biting me in the face for the last few weeks and it came to a head today. I'll say this - all of the running I've done this year, all of the preparation, the stretching, the exercising - it's not really prepared me for ALWAYS having to take the high road. I'm completely exhausted. I was so upset Sunday morning that I actually RAN to church. Yep. You read that right.
I guess blogs are a kind of online diary. So I'd rather be real and just let it out - but I want to be clear - I'm not asking for help. I'm not seeking pity or looking for someone to reach in and save me. I'm exhausted. As a Christian, my faith and my hope are in Christ. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being let down. I'll admit to taking some fairly stupid steps in the last few months, but at the heart of me, I want what God has for me. I want His will and His perfect time. I don't understand His time; lately, I don't really like it. If you would've told me 20 years ago that I'd still be single and childless, and only 2 months from being 35...I would not have believed you. I wouldn't have believed that God would have that in store for me. I'm trying to hard to be grateful. So many people are without jobs, without food or a roof over their head - and here I am, being achey and exhausted. A coworker found out last night that her husband has cancer and my heart aches for her...I am NOT dealing with anything that awful, but yet this exhausted achiness from a heart that waits and waits and doesn't quite understand why - keeps agonizing over endless thoughts of what is wrong with me, what on earth must be so bad that no one wants to be with me. I know, it sounds pathetic. But it's real. I just feel uber silly for feeling this way when people have REAL problems.
I'm not sure what's ahead. I may very well end up working to complete my master's this year...and then again, maybe not. I want out of here - this city, the state, perhaps the country. Every now and again in my life I'd have the urge to run...and I've been training.
I have great hope for next year - I conquered more this year than I would've ever thought possible. It's been kind of amazing watching myself go through the last twelve months. It's been surreal and surprising. I've been scared out of my mind, more tired than I could possibly imagine, more proud of myself than ever before, and I've never been more ready for something BIG to happen.
I hope if you read this - you have an amazing new year. I realize I don't sound like the best example of a hopeful Christian right now, and I am sorry for that. Things will get better, my hope will get stronger, and God WILL make a way - where there seems to be no way. I know, because He's proven it time and time before.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Finish Line
After a year of training, I did it. I finished the Seattle Half Marathon. I finished on a wing and a prayer. Battled a chest cold, asthma, and an excruciatingly painful leg...and finished. I finished alone. While others were surrounded by family, friends, and loved ones at the finish line, I stood alone. I don't want sympathy or pity, it just is what it is. And the harsh truth is, I didn't much care for it. This amazing pride of finishing what I'd set out to accomplish, this feeling of relief that I completed a half marathon even though every physical part of my being wanted to quit, were kind of shadowed by this tremendous "ugh".
I think a lot of people get a little blah-ish at the holidays. What should be a time of joyous celebration is weighed down by the guilt to have to shop until you wind up in debt. The billowy mounds of snow should be inviting like they were when we were kids, but rather, they are evil white demons creating havoc on the roads and causing horrible car accidents and great physical damage.
I'm so grateful to have kicked my New Year's Resolution in the tookas. I'm grateful that my lungs are stronger than they ever have been, and I'm so extremely glad to have a medal that shows just how hard I've worked.
I'm ready for a move. I'm ready for a big change. I remember a poem I wrote in my early twenties about how badly I wanted something to change in my life, how I felt like I was drowning in stagnant water...and that feeling is rearing it's ugly head again. I can rest in the knowledge that God has me in the palm of His hand, I just wouldn't be human if I didn't admit that all of this waiting has left me exhausted and achey.
2010 was a good year for the health of the girl that I am. I'm stronger than I knew I could be, I fought my way through races I never thought I'd take part in. I've stood up for myself, been proud of myself, and fought for myself. And yet, the girl who started this year wanting a very specific thing is still there, waiting. I have great hope that 2011 will bring great joy and many more opportunities for greater health and a well-deserved pride.
I think a lot of people get a little blah-ish at the holidays. What should be a time of joyous celebration is weighed down by the guilt to have to shop until you wind up in debt. The billowy mounds of snow should be inviting like they were when we were kids, but rather, they are evil white demons creating havoc on the roads and causing horrible car accidents and great physical damage.
I'm so grateful to have kicked my New Year's Resolution in the tookas. I'm grateful that my lungs are stronger than they ever have been, and I'm so extremely glad to have a medal that shows just how hard I've worked.
I'm ready for a move. I'm ready for a big change. I remember a poem I wrote in my early twenties about how badly I wanted something to change in my life, how I felt like I was drowning in stagnant water...and that feeling is rearing it's ugly head again. I can rest in the knowledge that God has me in the palm of His hand, I just wouldn't be human if I didn't admit that all of this waiting has left me exhausted and achey.
2010 was a good year for the health of the girl that I am. I'm stronger than I knew I could be, I fought my way through races I never thought I'd take part in. I've stood up for myself, been proud of myself, and fought for myself. And yet, the girl who started this year wanting a very specific thing is still there, waiting. I have great hope that 2011 will bring great joy and many more opportunities for greater health and a well-deserved pride.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Distractions...
The last part of August brought a pretty happy change for me - and September was amazing (ya know, UH-MAZE-ING). Nothing serious, just an intimidatingly smart, funny, handsome distraction. No idea what is going to come of it - but I've had more fun in the last 30+ days than I have in a decade, and THAT is saying something. (I'm a fun girl, what can I say?)
I'm spending more time on me, too. I've ran more miles this week than I ever have before. Each day I've been aiming for 5 miles - which isn't much to REAL runners, but for me, it's so much more than I would've ever thought possible on a daily basis. Today, I splurged and got a Road ID bracelet and yesterday, I got a new race-day shirt. Tonight - I'm heading to the runner's store to get some new kicks. Along with my new brace, I'm hoping the shoes make my feet and knee feel new again.
This Sunday, I participate in a 10k in Spokane...yep, running a 10 on 10/10/10! On the 23rd, I've got another 5k, followed by a 10 mile race in November - and the grand finale - the reason I started running - the Seattle Half Marathon is on Sunday, November 28th. There's the notion that my finish line could have company - and that would be fantastic.
I'm so happy and relieved to be feeling renewed and refreshed - I am laughing so much and smiling so much lately - I just want to soak it in. It could last another week or longer, I'm just going to enjoy what I can while I have it. I was raised to not be selfish - to put others first, but I'm gonna go ahead and say it - this time is for me. I deserve to be carefree and laidback, and I'm SO grateful that it's happening now. I'm a really happy girl. And in case the distraction ever happens upon this - many, many thanks for reminding me what this feels like.
I'm spending more time on me, too. I've ran more miles this week than I ever have before. Each day I've been aiming for 5 miles - which isn't much to REAL runners, but for me, it's so much more than I would've ever thought possible on a daily basis. Today, I splurged and got a Road ID bracelet and yesterday, I got a new race-day shirt. Tonight - I'm heading to the runner's store to get some new kicks. Along with my new brace, I'm hoping the shoes make my feet and knee feel new again.
This Sunday, I participate in a 10k in Spokane...yep, running a 10 on 10/10/10! On the 23rd, I've got another 5k, followed by a 10 mile race in November - and the grand finale - the reason I started running - the Seattle Half Marathon is on Sunday, November 28th. There's the notion that my finish line could have company - and that would be fantastic.
I'm so happy and relieved to be feeling renewed and refreshed - I am laughing so much and smiling so much lately - I just want to soak it in. It could last another week or longer, I'm just going to enjoy what I can while I have it. I was raised to not be selfish - to put others first, but I'm gonna go ahead and say it - this time is for me. I deserve to be carefree and laidback, and I'm SO grateful that it's happening now. I'm a really happy girl. And in case the distraction ever happens upon this - many, many thanks for reminding me what this feels like.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Fell off the planet...
Eeyikes! It's been MONTHS since I wrote!
Let's see...I finished a 5k, which turned into a 10k, I went to St Louis for the Joyce Meyer Women's Convention, and I RAPPELED DOWN A 514FT BUILDING! It has been sheer madness over the last few months.
The rappel was sheer insanity. I really wasn't that scared, until I was about 20 feet down. The step over the edge wasn't so bad, the first 10 feet weren't so bad, but in 90 degree heat on a metal facade at 4pm in direct sunlight, the next 490+ feet were a bit of a challenge. The majority of the rappelers meant to walk down the side of the building, with the assurance that your feet would be in contact with the building for the majority of the rappel. That, however, didn't happen. The wall was too hot, and no matter how hard you tried, your feet couldn't stay on the surface - good traction or not. I made it down in about 11 minutes, mostly due to the strength of my arms. I'll admit that for a few moments, the sweet Lord and I had to have a couple of pep talks. The height of the building wasn't the problem, it was the knowledge that should my arms wear out, I could potentially spend HOURS on the building, just hanging there - either waiting to be saved or to be humiliatingly lowered down. So naturally, I prayed some more and got the heck down all by myself. Immediately I thought, "I am NEVER doing that again." And now, 2 months later - I would COMPLETELY do it again. I know, I'm crazy.
I completed the Alki Beach 5k...I just didn't do it the way it was intended. It ended up being 5k just to get to the starting line, so a few others (who were from out of town and also misinformed) and I walked the 10k together. I have no idea what my finish time was, but it was a beautiful day and I was glad to finish.
The JMM conference in St. Louis was fantastic as always. Lots of fantastic info on mind, mouth, moods, and attitudes. All very helpful and encouraging. Darlene Zschech led worship - it was amazing. All in all, a fantastic trip - lots of fun volunteering - just not much rest! I met a super fun lady from Idaho, she and I shared a few meals and laughs. I'm always thrilled to meet someone new, especially if we've had such different life experiences.
I can't believe it's October!!! I'll definitely try to write more tomorrow.
God Bless!
M
Let's see...I finished a 5k, which turned into a 10k, I went to St Louis for the Joyce Meyer Women's Convention, and I RAPPELED DOWN A 514FT BUILDING! It has been sheer madness over the last few months.
The rappel was sheer insanity. I really wasn't that scared, until I was about 20 feet down. The step over the edge wasn't so bad, the first 10 feet weren't so bad, but in 90 degree heat on a metal facade at 4pm in direct sunlight, the next 490+ feet were a bit of a challenge. The majority of the rappelers meant to walk down the side of the building, with the assurance that your feet would be in contact with the building for the majority of the rappel. That, however, didn't happen. The wall was too hot, and no matter how hard you tried, your feet couldn't stay on the surface - good traction or not. I made it down in about 11 minutes, mostly due to the strength of my arms. I'll admit that for a few moments, the sweet Lord and I had to have a couple of pep talks. The height of the building wasn't the problem, it was the knowledge that should my arms wear out, I could potentially spend HOURS on the building, just hanging there - either waiting to be saved or to be humiliatingly lowered down. So naturally, I prayed some more and got the heck down all by myself. Immediately I thought, "I am NEVER doing that again." And now, 2 months later - I would COMPLETELY do it again. I know, I'm crazy.
I completed the Alki Beach 5k...I just didn't do it the way it was intended. It ended up being 5k just to get to the starting line, so a few others (who were from out of town and also misinformed) and I walked the 10k together. I have no idea what my finish time was, but it was a beautiful day and I was glad to finish.
The JMM conference in St. Louis was fantastic as always. Lots of fantastic info on mind, mouth, moods, and attitudes. All very helpful and encouraging. Darlene Zschech led worship - it was amazing. All in all, a fantastic trip - lots of fun volunteering - just not much rest! I met a super fun lady from Idaho, she and I shared a few meals and laughs. I'm always thrilled to meet someone new, especially if we've had such different life experiences.
I can't believe it's October!!! I'll definitely try to write more tomorrow.
God Bless!
M
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Skyscrapers and whatnot...
Things are looking up! Mostly, because if I look down this Saturday, I'll probably freeze with fear!
This Saturday, August 14th, I will be rappelling down Rainier Tower in Seattle. It's 514 ft and 41 stories high. Yep, it's true. I think I lost my marbles. The good news about that is, they won't be rolling around in my head making me dizzy while I make my way down. I'm excited, a little terrified, and ready! Kinda really wish I wasn't going it alone, but as with all major things in your life, you often have to go them alone. I've finished 7 races this year alone, so I can do this!
My next 5k is 2.5 weeks out, so I've been training for it. It's a challenge to get up at 545a and run, but I'm making it happen. (HUGE thanks to my pal Anna, who calls me to make sure I'm up. Thank God for her!) For the last few weeks, I've been doing a lot of ab and arm exercises to prep for the rappel. I don't want to be hanging there with an arm cramp, unwilling or unable to move. Yesterday, the doc said I have fantastic muscle mass, so there's that. :)
I've turned a corner. I'm expectant and hopeful, grateful and ready for something great to happen. It's not that I wasn't before, but this huge mind/heart block that was there for a long time is gone now. Dissipating in the least. I'm losing weight and feeling better, eating healthy and spending time reading. A few gal pals and I started a new devotion on eating right and it's really made a huge difference. It's so nice to FEEL good. A few personal victories didn't hurt, either :)
Still wanting to be in Seattle, but the door isn't open just yet. So in the mean time, I'll go for races, events, fun with a wonderful person, and adventure.
It's been a wackadoo year, but certainly memorable. Friends come and go, but God is faithful.
Happy August!
M
This Saturday, August 14th, I will be rappelling down Rainier Tower in Seattle. It's 514 ft and 41 stories high. Yep, it's true. I think I lost my marbles. The good news about that is, they won't be rolling around in my head making me dizzy while I make my way down. I'm excited, a little terrified, and ready! Kinda really wish I wasn't going it alone, but as with all major things in your life, you often have to go them alone. I've finished 7 races this year alone, so I can do this!
My next 5k is 2.5 weeks out, so I've been training for it. It's a challenge to get up at 545a and run, but I'm making it happen. (HUGE thanks to my pal Anna, who calls me to make sure I'm up. Thank God for her!) For the last few weeks, I've been doing a lot of ab and arm exercises to prep for the rappel. I don't want to be hanging there with an arm cramp, unwilling or unable to move. Yesterday, the doc said I have fantastic muscle mass, so there's that. :)
I've turned a corner. I'm expectant and hopeful, grateful and ready for something great to happen. It's not that I wasn't before, but this huge mind/heart block that was there for a long time is gone now. Dissipating in the least. I'm losing weight and feeling better, eating healthy and spending time reading. A few gal pals and I started a new devotion on eating right and it's really made a huge difference. It's so nice to FEEL good. A few personal victories didn't hurt, either :)
Still wanting to be in Seattle, but the door isn't open just yet. So in the mean time, I'll go for races, events, fun with a wonderful person, and adventure.
It's been a wackadoo year, but certainly memorable. Friends come and go, but God is faithful.
Happy August!
M
Monday, June 7, 2010
Oy vey! It's been a while!
Sorry!! I have NOT been faithful at blogging!!
News - I finished my 7th race on Saturday. I bested my PR by 2 minutes/mile. After 4 weeks and 4 races, I'm excited to take a weekend off. *Mind you, I did get online to see if I could find a race for this weekend, but my mind beat my will and I decided to sleep in and clean the house instead!*
I've been looking online for jobs in the Seattle. Oh how my little heart drips caffeine when I think of Seattle. It's been my favorite city since I was little; it's magical with life - it never tires for me - every little piece is a treat...traffic and all. (I know, I know...it wouldn't be that way if I moved there!) I applied for 4 jobs earlier this year and had no luck. This weekend I found 15 more, but for some reason feel like maybe I am supposed to stay put for a while. Ugh. Staying put in Richland. It just doesn't sound like heaven to me...but, since I really feel like that's what God has for me - I'm going to do it with the right attitude. If I want to reap a harvest, I'm going to have to till my fields. Tilling means cleaning out the house, donating a ton of stuff, organizing and down-sizing, taking better care of my body, and working more on my little business. So, until Labor Day - I'm going to Labor away *oh the puns* at my life. I don't want to move to Seattle with a ton of junk that I don't use or need, so it has to go. I'm tired of living with clutter...so I just need to grab the reins and do something about it already!!
I lived through the toughest year of my life (so far). I made it. I survived. Looking back, it doesn't feel like a year. Thinking about my countless trips back and forth to Spokane however, makes me wonder what that year meant. It meant me getting closer to God, it meant me taking better care of myself and challenging myself in ways I wouldn't have imagined before. It meant realizing I was stronger than I thought I was, and it made me see what I really want in this life. I have more hope, I am expecting great things, and I'm ok with the unknown.
I resigned as worship leader at my church. I'd been praying about it for a few months, and God just *popped* open my eyes to a few things and voila! I'm moving on. I am really going to miss the team, I am really going to miss the congregation and the teaching, but I know that God wouldn't be showing me through another door without another amazing blessing just waiting for me :) I'm kind of giddy about what's next! This is exciting!
Things have not turned out how I expected. Life isn't what I had planned or hoped for - but I have absolute trust that it's going to get there!! Kinda crazy...looking back. I think my 6 yr old self would kick me in the shins if she saw me. She'd wonder how the heck I screwed up so badly...but then I'd let her know it's all going to be BETTER than we planned and, not to give away the Cabbage Patch Dolls. :)
So, everything is the same and nothing is the same. I'm still where I was, but I'm not where I used to be. God is good - that never changes. I'm all hopeful and whatnot...and I need coffee!!!
God Bless!
M
Oh, and I PROMISE that next time will be funny!!
News - I finished my 7th race on Saturday. I bested my PR by 2 minutes/mile. After 4 weeks and 4 races, I'm excited to take a weekend off. *Mind you, I did get online to see if I could find a race for this weekend, but my mind beat my will and I decided to sleep in and clean the house instead!*
I've been looking online for jobs in the Seattle. Oh how my little heart drips caffeine when I think of Seattle. It's been my favorite city since I was little; it's magical with life - it never tires for me - every little piece is a treat...traffic and all. (I know, I know...it wouldn't be that way if I moved there!) I applied for 4 jobs earlier this year and had no luck. This weekend I found 15 more, but for some reason feel like maybe I am supposed to stay put for a while. Ugh. Staying put in Richland. It just doesn't sound like heaven to me...but, since I really feel like that's what God has for me - I'm going to do it with the right attitude. If I want to reap a harvest, I'm going to have to till my fields. Tilling means cleaning out the house, donating a ton of stuff, organizing and down-sizing, taking better care of my body, and working more on my little business. So, until Labor Day - I'm going to Labor away *oh the puns* at my life. I don't want to move to Seattle with a ton of junk that I don't use or need, so it has to go. I'm tired of living with clutter...so I just need to grab the reins and do something about it already!!
I lived through the toughest year of my life (so far). I made it. I survived. Looking back, it doesn't feel like a year. Thinking about my countless trips back and forth to Spokane however, makes me wonder what that year meant. It meant me getting closer to God, it meant me taking better care of myself and challenging myself in ways I wouldn't have imagined before. It meant realizing I was stronger than I thought I was, and it made me see what I really want in this life. I have more hope, I am expecting great things, and I'm ok with the unknown.
I resigned as worship leader at my church. I'd been praying about it for a few months, and God just *popped* open my eyes to a few things and voila! I'm moving on. I am really going to miss the team, I am really going to miss the congregation and the teaching, but I know that God wouldn't be showing me through another door without another amazing blessing just waiting for me :) I'm kind of giddy about what's next! This is exciting!
Things have not turned out how I expected. Life isn't what I had planned or hoped for - but I have absolute trust that it's going to get there!! Kinda crazy...looking back. I think my 6 yr old self would kick me in the shins if she saw me. She'd wonder how the heck I screwed up so badly...but then I'd let her know it's all going to be BETTER than we planned and, not to give away the Cabbage Patch Dolls. :)
So, everything is the same and nothing is the same. I'm still where I was, but I'm not where I used to be. God is good - that never changes. I'm all hopeful and whatnot...and I need coffee!!!
God Bless!
M
Oh, and I PROMISE that next time will be funny!!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Allow me to make an introduction...
Yesterday, I finished my 2nd 5k of the year. I finished a minute behind the time I wanted, but considering how ginormous the crowd was at the starting line, I'm pleasantly surprised it wasn't any later than just one minute!
Each and every time I run, I am reminded what an amazing God I serve. If you've read earlier posts, you may remember that I have had chronic asthma since I was 11. I was told I wouldn't run again and may not give birth naturally (or be able to carry a child) because of my asthma. About 2 years ago I was diagnosed with a torn gastroc in my right leg. The specialists were unsure of what to do about it, but one in particular kept encouraging me to see what I could do. He even encouraged me to run (gasp!). So, after a 22 year hiatus from it - I started running; asthma, calf brace, and all.
Yesterday, not only did I finish the 5k - but I did it without an inhaler and without a leg brace. THAT'S HOW BIG MY GOD IS. "You won't run again." Not true. "Your lungs won't ever work right." Not true. "Your leg might not heal, and you could have severe problems walking." Not true. THAT'S HOW BIG MY GOD IS. I'm 3 Finish lines in - and have 11 more planned for the year - and I'm SO excited to see how far this goes!
I do not tire of hearing a race volunteer shout, "Go Runner!" I'm always up for encouraging someone, so when I hear it, I smile and think, "Yeah! Go whoever you are!" and then I realize, "wait, that's me! they're calling ME a runner!" And then I'm reminded again - that what humans say is impossible is NOT impossible with God. Throughout my races, I repeatedly quote Phil 4:13 to myself. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." And I can, and He does.
So - if you haven't met my God - and you want to - allow me to introduce you. It's not always an easy race - but He's faithful to run along side you or to carry you when you can't go any further. He's unfailing, unchanging, and NOTHING is impossible with Him. He's Jesus :)
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2
God bless you!!
M
Each and every time I run, I am reminded what an amazing God I serve. If you've read earlier posts, you may remember that I have had chronic asthma since I was 11. I was told I wouldn't run again and may not give birth naturally (or be able to carry a child) because of my asthma. About 2 years ago I was diagnosed with a torn gastroc in my right leg. The specialists were unsure of what to do about it, but one in particular kept encouraging me to see what I could do. He even encouraged me to run (gasp!). So, after a 22 year hiatus from it - I started running; asthma, calf brace, and all.
Yesterday, not only did I finish the 5k - but I did it without an inhaler and without a leg brace. THAT'S HOW BIG MY GOD IS. "You won't run again." Not true. "Your lungs won't ever work right." Not true. "Your leg might not heal, and you could have severe problems walking." Not true. THAT'S HOW BIG MY GOD IS. I'm 3 Finish lines in - and have 11 more planned for the year - and I'm SO excited to see how far this goes!
I do not tire of hearing a race volunteer shout, "Go Runner!" I'm always up for encouraging someone, so when I hear it, I smile and think, "Yeah! Go whoever you are!" and then I realize, "wait, that's me! they're calling ME a runner!" And then I'm reminded again - that what humans say is impossible is NOT impossible with God. Throughout my races, I repeatedly quote Phil 4:13 to myself. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." And I can, and He does.
So - if you haven't met my God - and you want to - allow me to introduce you. It's not always an easy race - but He's faithful to run along side you or to carry you when you can't go any further. He's unfailing, unchanging, and NOTHING is impossible with Him. He's Jesus :)
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2
God bless you!!
M
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